You’re probably familiar with the term quiet quitting. For a while, that little phrase has been used to describe the experience of executing the bare minimum at work without actually leaving your job: You do just enough to get by but never rise above that benchmark to prove yourself or exceed expectations. It’s a strategy that can keep you employed while preserving your mental and emotional energy.
The term has since been applied to other parts of life, like relationships. And, yes, it could also apply to the one you have with your mom. Though you’re probably not collecting paychecks here, maintaining a relationship with your mother may connect you to important resources you need to get by. Maybe your mom really does play a big role in your finances, or she’s your source of health insurance. She could also be a connection to your culture or other family members that you don’t want to distance yourself from. Logistics aside, you might just want some distance from your mom without sacrificing your emotional connection. As I learned from reporting my book Motherf*cked: How to Keep Your Mother’s Toxic Drama From Ruining Your Life, those are all solid reasons to maintain a relationship that leaves you exhausted.
Going low-contact is pretty much what it sounds like: staying in touch with minimal contact. However, there’s no official definition, therapist Whitney Goodman, LMFT, told me in an interview for Motherf*cked. For some, it could look like avoiding one-on-one visits but checking in via text, email, quarterly phone calls, or greeting cards. Or you could catch up in person while avoiding the details of your life. The frequency of low-contact contact varies too. Some would say talking once a week is low-contact for them. Others might say once a year.
The reasons why people go low-contact differ as much as the ways it can look. Generally speaking, taking space can be useful anytime a relationship feels painful or draining. It gives you more time, energy, and emotional bandwidth to take care of yourself and tend to other important parts of your life.
That can be especially helpful in our relationships with our moms, a dynamic that, for many reasons, is often packed with emotional triggers. If spending time with your mom feels exhausting, you’re sick of always stressing about this relationship, or you’ve tried and failed to set boundaries with her in the past, pulling back might be helpful here, Goodman says. If you can relate, here’s how to do that.
Therapist-approved steps for quiet quitting your mom
Ideally, this process is a series of experiments where you pull back from the relationship in different ways to see what feels good and what doesn’t, Goodman explains. You can then use that information to determine how much contact is too much—or not enough. Here’s how to get started.
1. Consider how your mom responded to boundaries in the past.
Going low-contact is really just setting a boundary, or defining what behavior you will or won’t tolerate. You’re showing others how you want to be treated. Sometimes, people don’t like being restricted and get messy when limits are put on their relationships. Moms can be like that too.
If you’ve already tried to set boundaries with your mom by, say, not answering every one of her calls or telling her that you don’t want to talk about your dating life, now is a good time to reflect on how that went.
Moms who are receptive to those guardrails may be easygoing about any additional boundaries. That could mean you don’t need to cut as many points of contact to feel better about the relationship. On the other hand, if your mom has blown through your boundaries in the past, you might need stronger limitations to protect your peace today. Keep that in mind for the next step.
2. Decide how much contact you want.
Again, there is no official criterion defining a low-contact relationship, so don’t get hung up on labels. First, think about how much contact you have now. How often do you spend time together? What does that time look like? What would you change to make this relationship less taxing?
Maybe you see your mom every Sunday, let her come over unannounced, and answer all of her texts—even the ones you’d rather not. Consider which of these interactions take the most out of you, and ask yourself, Would eliminating this point of contact make the relationship less exhausting overall?
You could start small by taking a beat to check in with yourself before responding to your mom’s texts. If you don’t feel like dealing with her at that moment, don’t. If that’s not enough to preserve your energy, maybe you can limit the number of texts you’ll respond to each day or week. You can always change it up later by removing another point of contact, like those unannounced visits, if you need more space (see step five).
3. Decide how quietly you want to quit.
You don’t have to formally announce that you’re going low-contact, but giving your mom a heads-up might be useful.
If you’re not worried about your safety and your quiet quitting tactics mean your mom has to change her behavior, then laying out your plans could make sense. Plus, explaining why you put them in place might help you resolve whatever is behind your decision to quiet quit this relationship.
That said, if your version of low-contact doesn’t require anything from your mom, you don’t need to tell her it’s happening, says Goodman. For example, you can hold back information about your life or avoid certain events without discussing it first.
Feel weird about this? I get that, but here’s something to think about: You’ve probably told your mom about the ways she’s hurt you many, many times before, says Goodman. Even if you haven’t explicitly pointed to every single occasion she hurt your feelings, your body language and tone of voice likely have conveyed how her actions impacted you. You may be tired of retelling those painful events, which is why you’d like to avoid another confrontation with your mom. So consider this your permission not to.
Still, your mom might notice you pulling back and ask what’s going on. If she does, you can tell her why you’re not getting into your dating life or attending the family reunion. You don’t have to, though. You’re welcome to make excuses or just say, “Yep, you’re right, I’m not doing that anymore.” You don’t owe her an explanation.
4. Keep track of how you feel.
Goodman says the best way to tell how going low-contact is working for you is to check in with your emotions as much as possible. You can write them down in your journal, use a mood- or emotions-tracking app, or bring them up to your therapist.
Yes, the feelings you’re tracking can be related to your mom and quiet quitting her, but don’t forget about all the others, says Goodman. It might not be obvious which feelings are related to your maternal figure and which aren’t. After breaking patterns that existed for a long time, you might get a sense that something is off. Maybe you feel purposeless or lost. Maybe it’s like you forgot something on your way to the airport, but you don’t know what it is.
All of that is normal, says Goodman. So is feeling like you really miss your mom, even if you know you did the right thing. Of course, everyone’s situation is different. Maybe you don’t truly miss her, but miss the idea of a person she’ll never be. When quiet quitting is working, those feelings should come up less frequently and/or become less intense. At the same time, you’ll likely feel some relief. You could notice more peace in your life and more space to focus on things other than your mom.
5. Adjust your plans if you need to.
You can always tweak how much contact you have with your mom. Ideally, this involves a continuous assessment of what’s working and what’s not. If the low-contact plan you’ve established feels sustainable and makes you less obsessive or overwhelmed by the relationship—and your mom is able to abide by your rules—you might have found a solution. Success!
If this version of quiet quitting doesn’t keep your mom from violating your boundaries, emotionally manipulating you, or still leaves you drained, anxious, or depressed, you could level up, says Goodman. That means starting back at step one and quitting other parts of your relationship until you reach a point that feels sustainable.
Remember, the goal is for you to feel less stressed about your interactions with your mom. By finding a routine that works for you, you can protect the parts of your relationship that you love and lose the rest.
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