There’s a common assumption that great, adventurous sex is a young person’s game—and with age, it fades into something boring, nonexistent, or just…not worth the effort.
Growing up, Karen Bigman fell for the propaganda. “But recently, I’ve done it in restaurant bathrooms,” Bigman, a 62-year-old certified sex educator, tells SELF, before listing off other examples of her scandalous escapades. “I’ve spontaneously met up in hotel rooms when the kids were at home. We even pulled over next to a Duane Reade [convenience store], under the fluorescent lamp, to do it in the back seat of his car.”
To be clear, sex isn’t always this spontaneous for Bigman. But in both her own life and her work with clients, she insists sex in this stage of life isn’t just happening: It’s getting better. For some, it’s even kinkier—though it’s a reality you rarely hear about and probably don’t want to imagine your parents or grandparents doing.
The fear that your sex life dies with age doesn’t come from nowhere. Bodies change. Menopause (which typically starts in a person’s 40s or 50s) can bring on a slew of symptoms like vaginal dryness or painful sex. Hormonal shifts can lower libido across all sexes. Energy levels fluctuate—and acting out on desires that once felt automatic may now require more effort, communication, and patience.
Still, none of this has to spell the end of a satisfying bedroom life, according to both sex therapists and real people enjoying sex after 60. Here’s how they maintain the spark—and the small shifts they say make the biggest differences.
1. Treat lube as a staple, not a backup.
Vaginal dryness is one of the most common physical changes that comes with aging—and it’s why many people assume getting frisky in this stage will be uncomfortable or painful.
However, there are plenty of expert-recommended products designed to help, and lube is one of the most effective and underrated. “Put it on before you start and have it at the ready during sex,” Bigman, who also shares her advice on her Taboo to Truth: Life & Sex After 50 podcast, says. Lubricants work by reducing friction, which means less risk of irritation or tearing—and just as importantly, more room for pleasure. For best results, we also recommend applying it not just to the penetrating object (like a penis or vibrator) and what’s being penetrated (your vagina), but also during foreplay—for example, consider sliding between labial folds too. (If you’re unsure what lube to buy, start with this beginner-friendly article.)
2. Ask for what you want, point blank.
In some situations, the issue may not be physical or logistical. It’s that the sex you’re having just…isn’t that great.
“If you’re in a relationship or marriage where sex is not exciting, of course you’re not going to want to do it,” Tammy Nelson, PhD, a 63-year-old AASECT-certified sex therapist, who also speaks from personal experience, tells SELF. “It’s like, if the party isn’t fun, why would you go?”
However, one of the many upsides of getting older is acquiring a kind of bluntness your younger self probably shied away from. “At a certain point, you just don’t give a crap,” one 64-year-old woman, speaking anonymously, tells SELF. When you realize life’s too short, you stop worrying so much about how your body looks in certain lighting, how you sound while climaxing, and whether your kinks are “too much.”
“I was once so ashamed to bring up BDSM—being spanked, choked. You don’t want to scare someone off or be judged,” she says. But after years of what she calls “vanilla sex,” she discovered a game-changing truth: speaking up is worth it. “I had my first real orgasm—that I didn’t have to fake—at 61.”
3. Find what drives you wild.
Achieving a mind-blowing climax doesn’t require a partner. For the women SELF spoke with, their 50s and 60s marked a turning point in figuring out what made them squirm—where they enjoyed being touched, what kind of stimulation worked, which fantasies excited them—all thanks to masturbation.
“I feel freer now to explore my body,” Shay Martin, 63, who owns Vibratex (the exclusive distributor of the Magic Wand sex toy brand), tells SELF. “When I was younger, I would use my hands manually, but there are so many tools out there [vibrators, anal toys, penis rings, nipple clamps] to help with achieving an orgasm on your own that’s much more intense and lasts longer.”
Research backs up the benefits of solo play: Not only does masturbation feel great, but it can also boost confidence in your sexuality (something older women are rarely encouraged to embrace) and relieve menopause-related symptoms like vaginal dryness, low sex drive, and mood changes. Once you figure out what feels good, “it becomes a whole lot easier to communicate exactly what you want from another person,” Dr. Nelson says—which makes settling for mediocre hookups (the kind you may have tolerated in your 20s) far less likely.
4. Move smarter, not harder.
Bodies in their 60s don’t always cooperate the way they used to—and that’s okay.
An aching back and weak knees have made certain positions uncomfortable for Isma, 68. “Standard missionary can be tough, so I usually lie on my side with my husband spooning behind me,” she tells SELF. (Another option experts previously recommended to SELF includes child’s pose, which can give you better control over the positioning of your back. Or, for pelvic pain, you can hop on top to adjust the depth of penetration and keep it shallow.)
Sometimes, Isma says she uses a wedged, foam pillow under her hips for extra support too. (Yes, there are specialized sex pillows that stay sturdy and don’t flatten out, helping you maintain the right angle without discomfort.) “It’s not as effortless or spontaneous as it used to be,” Isma admits, reflecting on how creating intimacy has changed throughout the years. “But we’ve learned our ways to make it work.”
5. Redefine what “good sex” means.
According to Dr. Nelson, it’s a common misconception that sex is only “good” when it includes penetration and ends in an orgasm. But expanding your definition—not by lowering your standards but by adjusting them—can keep intimacy exciting and realistic.
That might mean focusing on in-the-moment sensations over outcomes: slower pacing, more touch, less pressure to cum. “He genuinely loves going down on me,” Isma says of her husband, describing a nightly, pre-bed ritual that they have maintained almost every day for the past five years. “I don’t usually finish, and neither does he. It just feels amazing. We always look forward to it.”
Martin has found something similar through practicing erotic massages. “At first I was intimidated, because you hear so much about the decline in libido, pain, lack of newness.” Now, Martin says, the slow buildup and warm oil rubbing throughout her erogenous zones is what she anticipates most.
While sex after 60 may not be the kind of stuff that makes it onto racy TV scenes (for now!), that’s precisely what experts say gives it power: It’s a slow, personalized intimacy built only through decades of experimentation, exploration, and curiosity—the kind that only gets better with age.
Related:
- Real Women Share What It’s Like to Date After Divorce
- Are GLP-1 Drugs Quietly Changing Our Sex Lives?
- The Happiest Women in Their 70s Are Single
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