For a long time, I thought I was doing everything right in dating. After getting out of an eight-year relationship—and then a rebound that emotionally wrecked me in ways I didn’t fully process for at least a couple years—I spent the next few years in a strange in-between.
In theory, I was putting myself out there: going on dates, meeting people, and staying open even when it felt exhausting. But in reality, it felt more like going through the motions, like I was playing a role I had gotten really good at. I had just enough distance to feel in control, but not enough awareness to realize how that distance was shaping my behavior.
But after what felt like an uncountable number of first dates in New York City, I started to notice a pattern: I treated dates like auditions. I would show up polished, engaged, and asking the right questions. If they liked me—texted after, complimented me, and wanted to see me again—I felt this immediate sense of relief, almost like I had passed a test. But that feeling rarely lasted, and more importantly, I almost never stopped to ask myself the most basic question: Did I even like them?
It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t actually dating for connection—I was dating for validation. And according to therapists, that distinction can be subtle but significant, often showing up in patterns that feel normal on the surface but are actually rooted in the need to feel chosen rather than the desire to truly know someone.
Here are some red flags that indicate you might be seeking companionship for the wrong reasons, according to dating experts.
Signs you’re dating for the ego boost—and not a true connection
1. You think more about having a partner than being with this person.
If your mind tends to jump ahead to what your life would look like in a relationship, how it would feel to have a partner, and how this person fits into that picture, you may be more attached to the idea than the reality. As Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, therapist and Hinge’s in-house Love and Connection Expert explains, genuine interest feels grounded in the person themselves: “You should see them as a whole person, not a flattened version or a fantasy.” When you’re dating for validation, the emotional payoff often comes from imagining being chosen, rather than engaging with who the person sitting across from you actually is.
2. Your connection feels strong in person but lacking when you’re apart.
One of the more confusing dynamics is when everything feels strong while you’re together—conversation flows, there’s chemistry, maybe even a sense of closeness—but that energy doesn’t carry over once you leave. According to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert in New York City, this can reflect “performative chemistry,” where the connection is heightened in the moment but not supported by real emotional investment. It can feel convincing because the highs are so high, but connection that only exists in person often signals that attention is the driving force.
3. You overshare emotionally early on to create a sense of closeness.
Opening up is a key part of building intimacy, but when it happens too quickly (read: love bombing and trauma dumping), it can function more as a shortcut than a foundation. Dr. Romanoff notes that oversharing early or rushing emotional and physical intimacy can create the illusion of connection without the substance of it. That early intensity can feel meaningful, but in many cases, it’s less about trust and more about accelerating closeness in a way that delivers immediate validation.
4. You keep conversations going—but avoid committing to real plans.
You might text consistently, flirt easily, and maintain a steady stream of communication, but when it comes to actually making plans, things stay vague. “When someone is driven by their ego, they tend to keep people interested by dangling a carrot,” Dr. Romanoff says, pointing to the way some people maintain attention without following through. You might keep the interaction alive because it feels good to be wanted without necessarily working to deepen the connection in a tangible way.
5. You’re inconsistent—showing up in bursts, then disappearing.
Interest that tends to spike at certain moments (i.e. late at night, when you’re bored, or when you’re craving attention) and then fades just as quickly can be revealing. Dr. Romanoff describes this pattern as fluctuating between “highs and lows,” where engagement is driven more by internal needs than sustained interest in the other person. When connection is the goal, effort tends to be steady; when validation is the goal, it often comes in waves.
6. You interact the same way with multiple people.
If your conversations start to feel interchangeable with the same tone, same questions, and same level of interest across different people, your core goals may be less about building something specific and more about keeping options (and attention) open. Danielle Madonna, LCSW, a psychotherapist in Long Island, notes that this kind of behavior can reflect “a need for widespread validation rather than focused emotional investment.” Instead of getting to know one person more deeply, your focus stays on maintaining multiple streams of attention at once.
7. You enjoy the chase more than the reward.
There’s a difference between excitement and pursuit. If you notice that your interest peaks when someone is slightly out of reach and then drops once they’re clearly available, it may be the chase (not the person) that’s keeping you engaged. “When enthusiasm diminishes after someone expresses real interest, it can signal that the primary drive may have been validation rather than intimacy,” says Madonna. “In other words, it’s not about connection—it’s about the feeling of being wanted.”
How to get out of the validation-dating cycle
According to Brown, the first step is removing any self-judgment once you acknowledge the pattern. “Wanting to feel affirmed in your dating choices is human,” he explains, and recognizing that can make it easier to shift your behavior without shame. From there, the work becomes more internal than external—getting clear on what you actually want a relationship to feel like rather than focusing on whether someone else chooses you. That might look like asking yourself simple but grounding questions: Do I feel at ease around this person? Am I curious about them? Do I feel like I can be myself, or am I performing? The more you anchor into your own experience, the less power external validation holds.
It can also help to strip away the “audience” in your decision-making. Brown suggests imagining that no one else’s opinion matters (no social validation, no external approval), and then asking yourself whether you’d still be interested in the same people. Often, validation-driven dating shows up as choosing people who look good on paper but don’t feel good in practice. Shifting out of that cycle isn’t about forcing connection where it doesn’t exist—it’s about slowing down enough to notice what’s actually there. And when curiosity starts to replace performance—when you’re genuinely interested in who someone is and not just how they feel about you—that’s usually a sign you’re moving closer to real connection.
