Welcome to Asking for a Friend, a weekly series dedicated to solving the messy, awkward, and confusing parts of modern friendship. Because truth is, our platonic relationships are often the most complicated. Send us your friendship dilemmas here, and we might feature one in a future column.
Most friendships will never be truly 50/50, but at the very least they run on an unspoken agreement: both people show up, reach out, and add some fuel to the tank that keeps the engine going. If that balance consistently feels off—not just once or twice, but over the course of weeks or months—it’s hard not to wonder whether something deeper is going on.
You might notice in small but telling ways: Looking back at your messages, it dawns on you that you’re initiating every conversation. They call, if at all, only when they’re bored or when it’s convenient. And then there’s the sharper sting of noticing how effortlessly they find time for other people—just not for you (a surprisingly common frustration you can read more about here).
To be fair, life can get in the way—people get busy, schedules clash, and our friends can’t always be as available as we’d like—but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or stop you from feeling resentful when you’re waiting days for a simple “How are you?” But how do you know if this is a temporary lapse or a more unhealthy one-sided friendship? Here are the biggest red flags therapists want you to watch out for.
1. They never call or text first.
Look through your texts and DMs: Are you always the first to send a message? When’s the last time they suggested hanging out? You can also experiment by not reaching out to see how long it takes for them to initiate contact. If weeks (or months) go by without a word, their silence may indicate who’s really holding this connection together.
“At a minimum, a good friend (even a busy one) will periodically check in out of curiosity and interest,” Tiana Leeds, LMFT, a therapist based in Santa Barbara, California, tells SELF. After all, someone who truly cares about you should want to know what’s going on in your life, which is why if they consistently don’t try to get in touch (or only expect you to do so), they may not be genuinely interested in your world.
2. They expect you to help with their problems without offering support for yours.
Venting to your friends is natural—some would even argue it can strengthen your bond. That said, being there for each other is supposed to be a two-way street, Hope Kelaher, LCSW, author of Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult, tells SELF.
If someone unloads their laundry list of problems but doesn’t listen to yours, “they’re likely using you as their on-call therapist,” Kelaher says. This one-directional dynamic could look like a person who constantly complains about their boss but changes the subject whenever you open up about your work-related stress. Or they dominate dinner conversations with their dating disasters, yet they’re “busy,” uninterested, or MIA when you need relationship advice. Over time, investing all your time and energy into people who won’t give back can drain your energy, Leeds says, and leave you feeling neglected by a person who’s supposed to have your back.
3. They only see you when it’s convenient for them.
Maybe they insist on eating at restaurants near their place, which means you have to travel across town every single time. They only reach out when “better” plans fall through (“Hey, my dinner got canceled. What are you doing tonight?”), making you feel more like an afterthought than a priority. More subtly, perhaps they’re only interested in brief 15-minute coffee chats that fit their schedule instead of a dedicated dinner or movie night.
“In a healthy relationship there should always be a give-and-take,” Kelaher says, meaning both people need to compromise. So it’s disheartening when, again and again, someone you’d do anything for won’t meet you halfway (sometimes literally).
4. They make time for everyone else
Your friend might be a workaholic or chronically forgetful (which, don’t get us wrong, is still frustrating). But that alone doesn’t mean your bond is one-sided.
Instead, “consider the bigger picture and ask yourself, ‘Is their behavior a reflection of not caring about me, or just a difference in availability and communication style?’” Leeds says. As an example, someone who takes five business days to reply to anyone’s messages may not be singling you out. What’s more telling, though, is if that same person who’s “too swamped” to text you regularly posts Instagram stories of brunches, dinners, and post-work meetups with others in their social circle. Or if your usually punctual friend (who’s known for being reliable) is comfortable canceling plans only with you. These inconsistencies, Kelaher says, suggest that they’re perfectly capable of showing up—just not for you.
5. They’re not there when it matters.
Let’s say you mentioned how important it would be to have support at your first 5K race. A friend who truly cares might surprise you at the finish line with flowers, or at the very least shoot over a heartfelt “Good luck!” or “Congrats!” In a one-sided friendship, however, this kind of consideration may be missing entirely. They might downplay your achievement (“Sorry I couldn’t make it, but it was such a short race!”) or forget your big day without a hint of apology.
True friends go the extra mile to celebrate your successes and be there during tough moments. That’s why if someone repeatedly forgets significant events like your birthday, or rarely shows empathy for your challenges (like a scary medical procedure, a high-stakes presentation), they may not be as invested as they should be.
What to do if you’re in a one-sided friendship
Therapists recommended bringing up your concerns non-confrontationally.
- If you’re looking for reassurance: “Hey, I’ve noticed a disconnect between us lately. Just want to make sure we’re good?”
- If you’re looking for more direct clarity: “I noticed I’ve been initiating most of our conversations, and honestly, I feel unappreciated and left out. Could we meet to talk about it?”
Ideally, their response can give you a glimpse into whether they’re aware of this imbalance and, more importantly, if they’re willing to work on it. That said, you can’t force someone to be a good friend, so if they don’t care enough to show up for you, know that you deserve better. “After all, friendships take work, Leeds says. “But it’s not meant to be done by just one person.”
Related:
- Meet the ‘Finger Princess’: The Annoying Friend Everyone Has
- How We Healed Our Friendship After 3 Years of Silence
- My Friend Won’t Leave Her Cheating Partner—but Won’t Stop Complaining
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