114 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘One Night Only’

Photo: Everett Collections

I have famously had thoughts about a whole lot of movies and TV shows, but I can honestly say that not one of them has occupied my mind quite as fully as One Night Only. In Will Gluck’s new rom-com, Callum Turner and Monica Barbaro star as two singles who meet during the one night a year that single people are allowed to have sex. Already: huh???!!!!???

Below, find absolutely every thought I had while watching this simply insane movie in an empty theater in North Hollywood at 8:35 a.m. on release day:

1. Wait, I missed what year premarital sex was outlawed in the United States!
2. WHY WOULD THERE BE ONE PURGE NIGHT?
3. Like, did the presumably repressive government really say, “Okay, you do, in fairness, deserve one night a year to be massive sluts”?
4. Was this the result of lobbying from pro-sex groups?
5. Is there an underground network of Casual Sex Organizers?
6. Should I become one?
7. It has literally been 30 seconds of Callum Turner making pizza, and this movie is already breaking my brain.
8. “Single people can only have sex once a year, chaos ensues” feels like a fake plot Jack Donaghy would come up with to tank NBCUniversal on 30 Rock.
9. “We gotta get a year’s worth in 12 hours!”
10. How are people…hydrating for this marathon sex event?
11. Bananas for potassium and Gatorade for electrolytes, I assume.
12. What if you simply aren’t feeling it on Sex Purge Night?
13. Or what if you have a UTI?
14. Hit those high notes, Monica Barbaro!
15. Wow, she wants to make this…plaque psoriasis medication commercial fun, but the oppressive capitalist forces at work don’t want her to!
16. She’s so quirked-up-female-protagonist for that.
17. Wait, so couples…still celebrate Sex Purge Night?
18. With omakase?
19. Wouldn’t you just want to stay at home with your beloved and ride out the hurricane of sexual activity coming at you from every corner?
20. Ooh, anti-sex law graffiti.
21. Straight King Princess boots!
22. You can tell she’s straight because she’s wearing big hoop earrings.
23. Wait, can you not…go on platonic dates the rest of the year and just wait to consummate for Sex Purge Night?
24. It seems like a lot of pressure to scout and seal the deal on the one night a year it’s legal.
25. I’m just saying, I would have done some prior investigation.
26. Women do be loving little gem salad.
27. Callum Turner, why are you pulling the innocent restaurant server into your sexual mishegas?
28. Girl, you made a whole cheating plan and you couldn’t book an Airbnb to actually do the deed?
29. Then again, I imagine there’s quite a rush on places to have sex on Sex Purge Night.
30. Here’s a related question: how does Sex Purge Night affect the national economy? Does the government subsidize sex-toy purchases?
31. Ooh, okay, here’s some Sex Purge Night backstory: teen pregnancy and STI are at record lows, which…I mean, sure, they’d have to be, right?
32. And this is all tracked and controlled by…biosensors?
33. Do the biosensors get implanted at birth?
34. Do you have to get one when you register to vote?
35. I’m starting to get a stress headache from the weight of all my unanswered questions.
36. Okay, protection is mandatory on Sex Purge Night.
37. Again, how is the government tracking that?
38. Oop, it’s Sex Purge time, and everyone’s fuckin’.
39. What’s going on with the gay sex of it all?
40. I assume this question will be answered later…but do I assume correctly?
41. Hey, it’s Molly Ringwald!
42. As Callum Turner’s mom!
43. “Tonight is for the straights. We’ve been dancing around your laws since before the Bible.”
44. Okay, so gay people…just have sex illegally?
45. Or their biosensors don’t register their sex as sex?
46. My headache is worsening.
47. Why would straight, single men want to have a bros night on Sex Purge Night?
48. Okay, so Sex Purge Night was passed by Congress?
49. We love a helpful lesbian with no real life or storyline of her own, don’t we, folks?
50. The concept of Monica Barbaro not considering herself “hot”……………
51. Do dating apps exist in this world, or do you just have to hope you run into someone you want to bang on the street on Sex Purge Night?
52. Throwing up omakase during a meet-cute is unfortunately relatable to me.
53. Bobby Cannavale and Pete Davidson?
54. Sure, why not.
55. Wait, so TikTok does exist in this universe. And Tinder…?
56. I just want to understand!
57. JULIA FOX!
58. I’m so glad she’ll go to the opening of an envelope (genuinely).
59. Remember her massive slay of a cameo on Adults?
60. Okay, fab Wet Leg needle drop.
61. Nicholas Braun cameo?!?
62. Okay, apparently this is a big night of the year for KY lube.
63. Diva, don’t waste your one big night of the year on a man who does close-up magic.
64. Wait, so threesomes don’t count as gay sex???
65. Girls love mournfully playing the piano at the bar on Sex Purge Night.
66. It’s sex time, folks.
67. Now, if Monica Barbaro has sex with multiple men on Sex Purge Night, that’s a plot twist I can get behind.
68. Again…you didn’t want to do some prior planning and bulk-order condoms before Sex Purge Night?
69. I mean, I guess Callum Turner thought he was going to be in a monogamous relationship, but my question stands.
70. Well, this is a fun cover of “Blister in the Sun” by the Violent Femmes.
71. Sorry, I zoned out a bit, so I’m not sure why Monica Barbaro is halfway down a manhole right now, but I am proud of myself for not making a sex joke about it.
72. Wait, are the cops there to…recover the stolen condom?
73. Are condoms an allocated and/or tracked resource in this society?
74. I thought you were supposed to wear condoms!
75. HELP!
76. Oh, wait, no, they’re after the guy Monica Barbaro was hooking up with, who turns out to be a parolee.
77. He’s on parole for…violating the sexual mandate?
78. ACAB, baby!
79. Never more so than during Sex Purge Night!
80. Okay, so dating apps do exist.
81. But can you use them any other night but Sex Purge Night?
82. Again…wouldn’t dating apps be your first stop on said night, not a last resort?
83. Am I the only one who takes the integrity and promise of Sex Purge Night seriously?
84. Robbing men on Sex Purge Night is true ingenuity.
85. Not wanting sex that “just leaves me feeling empty”…Monica Barbaro, you are a wise woman.
86. Did Buck Mason and/or KY lube sponsor this movie?
87. I’m bored.
88. “Nothing you could say would convince me to have sex with you” is rom-com code for “We are going to have sex soon.”
89. Damn, Monica Barbaro can really sing!
90. Or whoever they have singing for her can really sing.
91. “Maybe the fascists were right about this one.” Hmm.
92. I hate this tighty-whity-wearing man and his music.
93. You are not the “Sheets of Egyptian Cotton” guitarist from Uptown Girls, and you never will be!
94. Personally, if some guy brought me back to his house and Molly Ringwald lived there, I’d be thrilled, but that’s me.
95. Wait, Callum Turner owns the pizza place?
96. Go off, New York small-business owner!
97. I know the question “What’s your favorite part of sex?” is supposed to be thoughtful and hot, but…I’m laughing.
98. Oh, Callum Turner.
99. I miss King Princess and her big, heterosexual hoops.
100. Wait, how would Callum Turner and his ex’s biosensors clock the fact that they broke up?
101. I need to lie down.
102. God, this “little red lighthouse” shit is so corny.
103. Okay, King Princess is back, and she’s…engaged?
104. There it is! The titular lighthouse!
105. Am I doomed never to get swept off my feet by a hunky rom-com suitor if I don’t have a charming regional landmark I repair to when the world gets to be too much?
106. Like, in order to find me, a suitor would have to stake out the In-N-Out drive-thru on Sunset and North Orange.
107. Kiss!
108. Okay, so kissing is kosher?
109. Oh, wait, it’s…still Sex Purge Night?
110. For 11 more minutes!
111. Romantique!
112. Well, that was an unforgettable hour and 42 minutes.
113. For a movie, it was fairly short, but for a psoriasis commercial, it was really long.
114. I remain…confused.