Friends, it is time to break into Jeff Bezos’s bunker and steal his porn. Jeff Bezos – so sorry! I mean J### B#### – doesn’t need his porn anymore because he’s dead.
Unfortunately, the bunker is now full of “RICH MAN DEATH RADIATION”, making it unsafe for humans. Fortunately, the people’s pervert committee have supplied us with some remote-operated drones that are capable of firing clones of themselves in the direction of the camera. To secure the B#### smut, you must accordingly point and click-hurl yourself around the bunker’s surprisingly soft and hazy confines.
Beware the purple robot sentinels that prowl the alcoves, having hysterics over every orb-shaped interloper they encounter. Also be sure to delete drones as you go: each one you regurgitate is tethered to a separate screen in the starting hub, and they’ll overlap and obscure each other if you don’t take time to tidy the interface.
The game described here is VERMIN3000 DATAHEIST, available to play in a browser or download from Itch. It was created by Vignettes and Nuts developer Pol Clarissou for the 7dfps gamejam, which invites you to “challenge yourself, and first person games, by creating a game that takes us to new places in new ways”. Be warned that VERMIN3000 contains abstract depictions of blood and suicide, together with woozy renderings of Kate Perry singing “what a wonderful world”.
The pornos – three in all – consist of balls and hoops squidging and squeaking together. They are the filthiest thing I’ve seen since my lunch, which also consisted of balls and hoops squidging and squeaking together.
It feels vaguely like a response to the payment processor crackdown on naughty videogames, but Clarissou is a fearsome smartypants and I dread putting words in his mouth. The developer also has a blog on which you will find essays like “Artisanal Intelligence: what’s the deal with AI art”. The rest of that gamejam seems worth checking out, too.
