How to Support a Friend Who Wants to Get Back With an Ex (Again)

Everyone has that one friend who keeps going back to their ex. Despite the post-breakup lectures and vows that it’s “over for good,” they still reconcile with the very person they swore was bad news.

Movies, television, and books have long treated this cycle as inevitable. (And we get why—it makes a good plot!) Perhaps the most notorious example is Carrie and Big’s on-and-off again fling in Sex and the City, which stretched across six seasons and two movies, causing no shortage of headaches for the girls. It’s a dynamic that made Lucy “insufferable” to fans of Tell Me Lies. And now, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives cast members Taylor Frankie Paul and Dakota Mortensen are showcasing a version of this back-and-forth that feels far more serious.

Over the years, Paul and Mortensen’s tumultuous dynamic has played out publicly, further complicated by coparenting and, most recently, reports of an open domestic assault investigation that has coincided with a pause in the series’s production. “We were just not progressing,” Paul said about her relationship with Mortensen in an Us Weekly interview published on March 11. “We like each other sometimes, and then we fight. It’s really hard to explain to people, and unless you’ve been in that situation, it’s hard to understand.”

It’s worth noting that leaving an unhealthy relationship—especially one that may involve abuse—is rarely as simple as walking away. People can stay stuck in these environments for a range of reasons, ranging from emotional (like shame or wanting to keep a family together) to practical (like financial dependence). There’s also the very real fear of escalation: “Abuse is about power and control,” Arlene Vassell, vice president of Programs, Prevention, and Social Change at the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, previously told SELF. “And if [the abuser] feels like they’re losing control, the violence may escalate.”

While we don’t know what actually happened—or is happening—between Paul and Mortensen, one thing is clear: The ripple effects go beyond the two of them: The rest of MomTok is feeling it too. “It’s hard to support [Paul] when she keeps doing the same thing over and over that she says she doesn’t want to,” fellow Mormon wife, Mayci, says in episode five of the new season. Castmate Mikayla Matthews seemingly confirmed the show’s hiatus in an Instagram story on March 19, writing that “it was a decision that all of us girls came up with and agreed on.”

It’s a plight many of us know all too well: being the friend on the sidelines through every on and off period. You sit through countless rants, help draft the “I deserve better” messages, and then quietly watch the pattern repeat.

“It’s quite an overshadowed perspective that we don’t talk about enough,” one woman, who requested anonymity, tells SELF. She recounts dozens of intervention attempts and heart-to-hearts with her former best friend, only to be accused of “peer-pressuring,” branded a “hater,” and dismissed as “nosy” about a relationship that technically isn’t her business. “I understand that people go through hurt in toxic dynamics, but we need to also talk about the toll on the friends who get disrespected in the process.”

Of course, there’s an argument that good friends will (and should!) support you through highs and lows, which is why we nod politely when our pals insist it’s “different this time” and offer a gentle, “I just want you to be happy” instead of delivering the harsh truth.

But the expectation to put your friendship first and “just be supportive” overlooks the other part of the equation: the labor of playing designated therapist over and over again—an exhausting déjà vu that Miami-based clinical psychologist Christie Ferrari, PhD, calls “compassion fatigue.”

“It’s very common to feel frustrated in situations like this,” Dr. Ferrari tells SELF, emphasizing that doing so doesn’t make someone unsympathetic or cruel. Friendships rely on a sense of mutual respect, she explains, which can get lost when the advice you were asked for is consistently ignored. “Supporting someone through repeated breakups takes up a lot of energy and can be draining, because your role eventually shifts from being understanding to feeling responsible for helping them recover again and again,” she explains. “So often, what people describe as ‘losing respect’ for their friend in these scenarios is more about the fatigue of watching the same pattern repeat while their concern isn’t landing.”

That “loss of respect,” as Dr. Ferrari puts it, is relatable to even the most kind-hearted, understanding people. Another woman I spoke with walked me through the demise of what used to be a close, fulfilling bond—that is, until her friend’s on-again, off-again relationship with a terrible ex got in the way. She describes sitting through two years’ worth of stories about his cheating, condescending comments, and name-calling—along with processing her own confusion and resentment about watching her once-confident friend willingly go back, despite everything she said or did to intervene.

“I loved her as a person,” she tells me. “But when she’s with her ex, she reverts to the worst version of herself.” She tells me the friend would regularly make excuses for her partner’s infidelity (which she once proudly set as a dealbreaker) and even cut off other, well-intentioned friends who disapproved. “I can only give advice so much,” she says, “and I realized it’s up to her to follow through.”

How to support a friend who can’t quit their ex

It’s a tricky situation: You want to maintain your sanity without coming across as insensitive.

To start with what you shouldn’t do, Dr. Ferrari recommends against issuing ultimatums (like “Break up with him, or I’m done with you”) or letting frustration turn into judgment (“Why are you still doing this?” “I told you this would happen.” “I can’t believe you’re going back…”).

“Your goal isn’t to punish the friend but to keep the friendship healthy, so resentment doesn’t build,” Dr. Ferrari advises—in which case, communicating certain boundaries, like the ones below, can prepare you for the next time your friend inevitably resurfaces their relationship drama.

• “Do you want advice, or are you mostly looking to vent?” Your instinct may be to jump into problem-solving mode, but sometimes your friend just needs to complain. Clarifying what they prefer upfront saves you the energy of drafting solutions they may not be ready to hear.
• “It’s hard to watch you go through the same situation again. Maybe we can take a step back from talking about this and focus on other things that’ll take your mind off?” This way, you’re shifting the conversation away from stressful relationship drama while still showing you care about your bond and them, as a person.
• “I care about you so much, but this has been overwhelming for me lately. Can we take a break from talking about it for a bit?” This option prioritizes your emotional bandwidth, but still makes clear that the friendship itself isn’t in question.

Of course, if you suspect their push-pull dynamic is something more insidious, or even abusive, it’s important to recognize that this goes beyond relationship drama—in which case, the therapist-approved steps in this article can help you support your friend safely.

Now, when the relationship isn’t dangerous (as far as you’re aware), but just…messy? Ultimately, protecting your peace doesn’t make you a “bad” friend—just as endlessly absorbing their problems doesn’t make you a better one. And if you’re the one whose infamous ex is a recurring topic in the group chat? We’re not saying you shouldn’t seek support, but the very least you can do is acknowledge your crew’s behind-the-scenes effort: A tiny bit of recognition goes a long way for the friend who’s been quietly biting their tongue through the chaos.

If you or someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship, confidential help is available. To talk it out, make a plan to stay safe, or figure out next steps, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY), text “START” to 88788, or chat live here.

Related:

• My Friend Won’t Leave Her Cheating Partner—but Won’t Stop Complaining
• Why Eldest Daughters Make the Best Partners, Friends, and Siblings
• How We Healed Our Friendship After 3 Years of Silence

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