Picture this: Your friends are getting married, but now they’ve popped one more question. Will you be their officiant?
Asking a loved one to officiate your wedding seems to be a growing trend. Having a close friend or family member legally marry you adds a whole new layer to your relationship, and imbues your wedding with an extra personal element. It’s an honor to be asked, but of course, it’s a lot of pressure. First things first, where do you begin?
Read on for your guide to how to officiate a wedding for the first time—and hopefully, there will be many more in your future.
Yes, You Need to Get Ordained
You’re here today to bring two people together in lawful marriage, but don’t forget that you’ll need to go through the law, too. If this is your first wedding as a marriage officiant, you’ll need to get ordained. You may have heard that you can get ordained online. Luckily, it is pretty simple to make that happen.
There are several interfaith, nondenominational, or religious organizations that offer online ordinations, like the Universal Life Church and American Marriage Ministries. Marriage laws vary from state to state, so be sure to double-check the legal requirements with your county clerk’s office. In some cases, you may need to register specifically with a state’s officiant registry. There are also a number of forms to complete and deadlines to adhere to so that any marriage you conduct will be recognized by law.
In some cases, a couple may have gotten legally married in advance of the wedding ceremony. For instance, the duo will choose to have a legal courthouse wedding where they live in advance of going to a destination wedding in a different country. If this is your situation, you don’t technically have to get ordained to officiate. But you absolutely should still properly prepare your speech for the ceremony.
Some states (including New York, California, Massachusetts, Vermont, and Rhode Island) let you get a one-day officiant license to legally marry a couple. In New York City, anyone over 18 years old can get their one-day license for a fee of $25, and it is valid only for the specific couple you list on your application.
Commit to Your Role
You might not have to take an oath to be a wedding officiant, but a simple “yes” is a binding promise to the couple. Once you commit to leading the wedding ceremony, there’s no turning back. Don’t risk spoiling your loved one’s special day by procrastinating your wedding ceremony script or backing out a month before. Officiating is a time-consuming and intimate role, so ensure you’re fully aware of the responsibilities before taking the plunge.
Homework Makes the Ceremony Work
You have perhaps the most important role of the day outside of the couple so you should absolutely not wing it. Have a meeting with the couple—better yet several meetings—to discuss what’s expected of you. How long do they want the marriage ceremony to run? Do they want to deliver their own wedding vows? What kind of tone are they hoping for? Don’t forget to check the facts either. You could have sworn they met by an exotic beach fire, but was it actually a tiki bar in Chinatown? They’ll give you a roadmap, so you don’t hit the open road alone.
Just the Two of Us
The soon-to-be newlyweds have given you the job likely because you have some intimate knowledge of one or both of them. They don’t want you to wax poetic about marriage or bring in a quote of the day. They’ve asked you because they know you, and more importantly, because you know them. And that is what the wedding ceremony needs to be about: them! What’s your favorite story about the two of them? When did you know their path was going to end in marriage? What you might lack in decades-long marriage wisdom, you make up for with special stories about the couple.
Phone a Friend or Family Member
If you feel like your memories just aren’t cutting it, send out a call for help. Survey the crowd ahead of time. What makes them good together? What would everyone in the room say about them? What’s the sweetest thing one did for the other? Gather the data and make sense of it. Then, plot it out.
Something Old, Something New, Something Broad, Something You
You’re going to have to forget your third-grade English teacher’s advice here. When it comes to a wedding officiant speech, start with the specific and transition to the broad. The audience will want to know who you are and why you’re up there. So, start by introducing yourself—briefly—and explain why you were chosen or how you know the couple. Then, share those two or three specific stories you brainstormed or crowd-sourced. And lastly, zoom out. What does a marriage mean? Why is it meaningful that everyone is there today? Put their love story in a greater context. A wedding day is for pearls, so bring your wisest ones.
Don’t Look for the Laugh Track
It’s a wedding celebration, not a funeral, so work in some levity with a joke or two. But don’t go overboard. This isn’t the time to recreate your college improv games. Don’t draw more attention to yourself than absolutely necessary. Yes, it’s an honor to lead the pronouncement and exchange of rings, but consider yourself the hired help.
Stick to the Dress Code
Run your outfit past the bride and groom to avoid any fashion faux pas. You don’t want to look out of place in the wedding party photos or clash with the bridesmaids, so communication is key. When in doubt, stick to the color palette and guest dress code.
Till Death Do Us Part
Getting married is serious business, and you’re laying the groundwork for its success. So, make sure you give yourself the time to draft and edit your words. Make sure to know how you will perform your speech and ask the couple about their preferences. For instance, it’s possible to memorize your script, or to read it from a notebook or iPad. Practicing your public speaking is also essential. Run through the celebrant speech with a few close friends. If you want it to be a surprise, try it out with someone who didn’t get the invite. It’ll alleviate pre-wedding jitters and increase self-confidence. And remember, the couple trusts you; now it’s time to trust yourself.
Solidify the Logistics
Weddings have rehearsals for a reason. This is the time when you should run through the logistics of how the processional, the ceremony, and the recessional will flow. You should learn all about what microphone you may need to work with, where to stand at different parts of the ceremony, and how to essentially run the flow of the day. Important details to clarify are if the couple would like you to move out of the way before their first kiss for a better photo, when to tell the guests to be seated, and if any other members of the wedding party or family will be doing a reading.
Sign, Sealed, Delivered
You’re nearing the finish line with just one task left: You have to have the couple sign the marriage license. The specific witness and notary requirements depend on your county’s regulations, so do your research ahead of time to ensure. Take a moment to double-check the marriage certificate a day or two prior to catch any mistakes before filing.
