Sometimes, the only thing standing between you and a healthy, happy relationship is…you. Getting to know someone and letting your guard down can feel amazing, but that same intimacy can also freak some people out and send them running for the hills.
Self-sabotage in relationships can show up in a bunch of different ways. But at its core, it includes “thoughts and behaviors that ruin your chances of a real connection, in an effort to protect yourself,” Idit Sharoni, LMFT, Miami-based couples therapist and host of the Relationships Uncomplicated podcast, tells SELF. In other words, it’s the assumption that “If I break up with them first, then I won’t get hurt.” Or “because this feels ‘too good to be true,’ something bad is bound to happen.”
You might be wondering, Why would anyone mess up a good thing on purpose? Well, loving someone makes you super vulnerable—and sometimes, pushing away the very person who holds so much power over your heart can be a strategy to stay emotionally safe. “This instinct, which often isn’t intentional, can stem from past trauma, fear of abandonment, or insecurities about not ‘deserving’ healthy love,” Sharoni explains. In the long run though, bolting before you get too attached won’t protect you: It’ll only rob you of the joy that comes from authentic, loving experience.
If these self-destructive patterns sound all too familiar, you first need to spot when you’re falling into them. Below, therapists share the biggest (and sneakiest) signs of self-sabotage in relationships to watch out for, so you can stop holding yourself back from the love you deserve.
1. You set unrealistic expectations for your partner.
It’s one thing to know what you want. Maybe your “dream” partner has a stable job they enjoy or shares the same political views as you. But it’s another thing to set standards that are so unattainable, no one could ever live up to them, Sharoni says.
Continually raising the bar too high (then using that as an excuse to walk away) can be a form of self-sabotage, since you’re setting your partner (and yourself) up for failure. This can look like not committing to someone you genuinely like unless they have the exact same hobbies and life goals as you. Or convincing yourself that because they weren’t available to hang one time, that’s your cue to end things. Even if the person doesn’t have any red flags or dealbreakers, you might start hunting for something “wrong” with them.
2. You pick big fights over the smallest issues.
It’s normal to get annoyed by little things your partner does or doesn’t do—like hogging the covers at night or forgetting to take out the trash. But if you’re consistently blowing relatively insignificant issues out of proportion, that could be a sneaky sign of self-sabotage, Angela Sitka, LMFT, a psychotherapist based in Santa Rosa, California, tells SELF.
For instance, perhaps you go on a tirade about how“lazy” and “incompetent” they are for not emptying the garbage, instead of simply reminding them. Or maybe they were five minutes late to dinner because of traffic, and you pop off for the next hour about how they never take the relationship seriously.
To be fair: Overreacting occasionally isn’t necessarily a red flag. But if you often turn nothing into something, or resort to hurtful, out-of-line behaviors (like name-calling and screaming), it’s worth asking yourself: Are you really that pissed about the trash—or are you creating conflict to “test” the strength of your relationship (and see if your partner will stick around)?
3. You withdraw as soon as things get serious.
Unfortunately, the carefree honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever. Reality will eventually kick in, and you may have to deal with arguments or serious conversations about “next steps”—like meeting each other’s parents or becoming exclusive.
Of course, we’re not saying you need to be thrilled about these grown-up, sometimes uncomfortable discussions. But Sitka emphasizes that you should communicate your honest thoughts and feelings with your partner, whether you’re concerned about living together, say, or just feeling mopey after your first big fight.
On the flip side, dodging any potentially awkward and vulnerable talks (or putting them off indefinitely) can signal that you’re creating unnecessary roadblocks to prevent your connection from evolving. So can seeing every minor disagreement as a reason to break up. “This idea of, ‘Let me avoid the discomfort and push it off as long as I can’ is a temporary fix,” Sitka says. “Because ultimately, you’re losing out on the opportunity to work through these concerns together—as a team.”
4. You constantly need reassurance that they love you—even when things are going well.
Do you still like me? Are you attracted to me? Are you sure you want to be with me??? It’s normal to crave validation from your partner to an extent. But let’s say they’ve already said they love you, yet you keep asking, “Are you sure?” “Do you mean it?” Or you continue questioning their feelings even after the romantic dinner date of your dreams. In these cases, constantly seeking reassurance can be a subtle sign of self-sabotage.
“Our minds can trick us into believing that checking in a lot will somehow protect us from being blindsided by changes in their feelings,” Sitka explains. However, when this self-doubt becomes a pattern, it sends a message to your partner that you don’t fully trust them—or the relationship. Over time, this can lead to tension and resentment: “They might start hiding things from you, worried their honesty could damage the already shaky foundation,” Sitka explains. “They may also feel discouraged from showing you love if it seems like a pointless effort.”
5. You “punish” them with silence or other passive-aggressive behaviors.
As much as we may hate to admit it, many of us have probably given the cold shoulder or silent treatment just to “test” if our partner will notice and make things right. “Oh no, what’s wrong?” “What did I do to upset you?”
It might seem like an easy tactic to gauge their love and attention, but using these little mind games to make them “prove” how much they care won’t bring you the closeness and reassurance you’re after, both therapists agree. In fact, it may push them away—and hold you back from what could’ve been a great relationship.
“It’s this idea of, ‘If they really love me, they should know what’s going on. They’ll fight for me,’” Sharoni explains. But even if someone really, truly wants to be with you, they’re not a mind reader—meaning, they probably have no clue why you’re acting cold and distant. So instead of drawing them closer, the silent treatment (and any accompanying eye rolls) has the opposite effect, leaving your partner confused, insecure, or worse: doubting your connection altogether.
How to stop self-sabotaging relationships
Breaking bad habits isn’t easy, but with practice, patience, and the expert tips below, you can slowly start ditching your self-destructive patterns—and finally open yourself up to the healthy love you deserve.
- Know your triggers. Maybe you’re scared to disagree with your partner because your last relationship crumbled over your first (and only) fight. Or the thought of moving in with someone freaks you out, since your previous SO backed out. By being more aware of the specific situations and topics that set off your self-sabotaging tendencies, you’ll be able to anticipate those waves of anxiety and defensiveness—and start tackling them head-on with the next few tips.
- Challenge old, unhelpful narratives. Just because you grew up in a “dysfunctional family,” say, or have been cheated on before doesn’t mean you’re doomed to get hurt again. To prevent old wounds from tainting your current dating life, Sitka suggests reminding yourself of the facts: The past doesn’t define you—and just because one person betrayed you, that doesn’t mean everyone else will. Unlearning these toxic mindsets, she says, can help you be more vulnerable (and less afraid) in your romantic relationships.
- Be honest with your partner using “I” statements. Admitting that you’re insecure or scared isn’t easy. But discussing your doubts (and ideally, getting support in return) can help you feel emotionally safer, Sharoni says. For instance, you could say something like, “I really like you, but I struggle to open up because I went through a really bad breakup last year.” Or “I didn’t mean to push you away. I do that when things feel ‘too good to be true,’ but I want to work on that with you.”
- Don’t underestimate the power of a therapist: We know professional help isn’t right for (or accessible to) everyone. That said, mental health pros are trained to help you build your confidence and recognize self-sabotaging patterns that can be difficult to ID on your own.
Obviously, opening up your heart can be challenging and risky. But as Sitka explains, “When you self-sabotage, you put up a wall that makes it impossible for someone to understand and accept you”—and you can’t experience authentic, fulfilling love when you’re hiding yourself.
Related:
- Why You Really Shouldn’t Expect ‘Closure’ After a Relationship Ends
- How to Deal With Being the Only Single Person in Your Friend Group
- What Does ‘Enough’ Sex Really Look Like in a Healthy Relationship?
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